6 Turtles On How They’d Fix The American Political System

After months of relentless pursuit, we have landed an EXCLUSIVE interview with 6 turtles, all of whom possess PhDs in political science, economics, and mime, on how they’d fix the American political system. We overheard them debating by the sea out back and knew we had to bring these game-changing ideas to light.

Stephen Samuelson, 147 years old: The 2-party system does not, and can never, work. We need to completely dismantle the current system, we must begin by putting Ted Cruz in rice. Forever like a Walt-Disney-in-ice kind of situation.

Barbara McPherson, 12 years old: Martin Sheen did a better job in that one episode of “The West Wing” where there was a problem and they all put on their thinking caps and solved it. We need more of that.

Fred, age unknown: Please leave me alone.

Green Little Guy, 11 days old: I keep telling them to stop using citizens’ tax dollars to fund wars. They need to fix health care so people don’t die in hospital debt or have to start a GoFundMe to get a child with cancer their necessary surgeries. But no one returns my calls because I’m a hand-drawn turtle.

[We stand against all and any reptile discrimination, especially towards tiny lil guys who were drawn with tiny lil pencils.]

Chas Richardson, 47 years old: I will bite and kill every lobbyist and spineless politician, and also I would like some blueberries, and also some lettuce if you can bring me some later, please.

Ron, 22 years old: Misinformation is a huge problem that has caused so much division. The time has come for Mark Zuckerberg to be placed in a big, tall tree where he can’t climb down.

Dude wtf was all this?