The Perfect Morning Routine.

*Trigger warning, discussions about disordered eating & exercise.

Gains. Protein. Gratitude, pumping out of your biceps’ BICEPS! Forbes 30 under 30…minutes in the CRYO chamber of secrets…to SUCCESS!

I love/hate wellness. The 2020’s “wellness” trend is just the 2000s diet culture/Victoria Secret Model obsession repackaged. Now you can’t just work out and eat salads, you must also function on 20 minutes of sleep & make your enemies question if you’ve ever truly slept before. You must manifest gold IPOs through your sauna sweat like a Fortune 500 witch. Please see one of my favorite Onion articles to learn more about how CEOs do it all before 4am.

Now, to the most important morning routine in the history of morning routines, Mark Wahlberg’s; the absolutely freaking hilarious Seth Rubin brought this to my attention.

2:30 a.m. wake up
2:45 a.m. prayer time
3:15 a.m. breakfast
3:40-5:15 a.m. workout
5:30 a.m. post-workout meal
6 a.m. shower
7:30 a.m. golf
8 a.m. snack
9:30 a.m. cryo chamber recovery
10:30 a.m. snack
11 a.m. family time/meetings/work calls
1 p.m. lunch
2 p.m. meetings/work calls
3 p.m. pick up kids from school
3:30 p.m. snack
4 p.m. workout No. 2
5 p.m. shower
5:30 p.m. dinner/family time
7:30 p.m. bedtime

I would try this as a social experiment but I don’t have access to cryo chamber, golf, or prayer.

I love Pinterest; it’s my favorite social media. I don’t even think of it as social media; it feels more like scrapbooking. But lately, no matter how hard I try to wean things like the below off my algorithm, the hyper-productivity wellness goop still slithers its way back into my feed.

I’ve been through genuine trauma (7/10 of the Adverse Childhood Experiences, ACEs, whatsup!!!!!!) I’ve battled various mental health issues daily for decades, and reading the above exhausted me. I could fall back asleep from reading that meme again.

The competitive, show-offy “wellness” is not about health; it’s a competition to show off. It’s just American, capitalist hustle culture remixed into self-improvement. Show everyone how much better you are at sleeping, drinking water, and eating vegetables.

This isn’t good for your nervous system; it makes taking care of yourself “work,” which isn’t the point of rest or care. Reading, sleeping, exercise, and breathwork should calm you down, not add to your to-do list.

And sorry, gossiping and complaining is literally so much fun, she ^ must be doing it wrong…?

Look, there are some benefits to the wellness craze. I’m so pale I look like a cabal drained my blood, so daily sunlight would help. + I’m American, so I already drink water like it’s my 6-figure office job (HAHAHHAHAHA IVE NEVER BEEN OFFERED CLOSE TO THAT MUCH AND I’M 32 AND STILL IN SCHOOL…)

…Still, whatever this all is,

Whether it’s “that girl” or manosphere morning routines, these unattainable wellness trends are the same, self-harming BS I put myself through in high school. If I could tell young girls 1 thing, it’s that I spent years as a teenager on the treadmill, walking, running, & restricting, all to look like a Victoria Secret Model, to one day learn those women were in as much pain as I was. That body type was, and never will be, healthy, realistic, or attainable. It also didn’t make the guy I was obsessing about at the time like me, it just might’ve made my hair fall out.

Also, no shade to the treadmill. We’re in a really good place now; it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. Thank you to therapy for helping me rebuild our connection. I now, sometimes, walk/run on the treadmill to quiet my mind, but I don’t do it for that long, and when I want to stop, I go home.

You can wake up early, log a million miles, and eat 400 salads, but if you don’t know what you’re doing this for, or hoping to feel, not just achieve, you’re hurting yourself more. Easier said than done, but I’m learning that true wellness is doing whatever you can to get enough sleep and gossip as much as possible.*

*I know I’m prob going to hell for that but everyone there is apparently gay & slutty so it might be fun?

**I don’t actually believe in hell.

***But it could be fun, I honestly don’t know!

****I don’t know how to end the email.