This is the first Substack.

I believe all emails should be short and all movies less than 2 hours. I hope to make myself laugh each week and hopefully make you laugh too.

Hi! This substack is called White Lady Frankenstein. Here’s why.

I am a white woman living in a big city who’s allergic to wine. I am as if the Goop lab added all the right ingredients into a cauldron, but the experiment still went awry.

A white woman allergic to wine is unheard of, it’s like seeing a fish that can’t swim. When I tell other women I’m allergic to wine, they act like I just found out I have 3 days left to live. They’ll whisper “Are you OK?”, “Is there anything I can do?”, and “Let me know anything you need.”

I assure them I’m not dying, I just can’t have a mimosa; yet, I remain a female millennial fraud. I am not fulfilling my basic bitch destiny, and I will never make it on the Bravo network.

Instead, I’m a very anxious, depressed, cat lady with a wine and grass allergy and too many thoughts. Here are some for this week.

Mental Health: Helpful tip: Shower. Give it a try! Also going on a little walk can help you stop googling “What do prisoners do all day?” Turns out, they make hobby crafts. The idea of El Chapo making a macaroni necklace in ADX Florence has captivated me for a week.

Powerful Quote: In 2014, the elf-like actor Tilda Swinton told Variety magazine that she doesn’t consider herself an actor.

Swinton said: “I don’t know what it would take for me to feel like one. I understand it’s a strange thing to say because I do keep saying, ‘Yes, I’ll dress up and be in your film.’”

This woman has been in 97 film and television projects since 1986. 1986! That’s an entire Chernobyl nuclear disaster ago. If you’re still not feeling it, not sure what we can do for ya babe; you’re an actor. I wonder, what does she list as her profession on tax returns? Wanderer? Fancy pants? British person? This interview has puzzled me for years.

Fun Fact of the week: I am the exact same age as the Russian Federation of Chechnya. They’ve yet to reach out.

In one entire day on January 10th, 1993 a republic in Southwestern Russia near the Caspian Sea and an American girl who would later dislocate her knee doing the limbo at 7th grade field day, were established in this world. This is a developing story.

Silly News: In 2021 animal welfare officers in Krakow, Poland received a call about a dangerous animal sitting in a tree, possibly an iguana. People refused to open their windows out of fear. Authorities eventually concluded that it was not an iguana, but a croissant. It is essential that we remind ourselves that the world is full of monsters, but carbs are not one of them.

For clarification:

The Austrian-French pastry

The Herbivorous Tropical Lizard.

Note, the subjects of the 2 images above are not the same.

Thanks, folks, that’s all from me; talk to you next week!